I wish i can erase my mind

I wish I can erase my mind. So I can erase every single time that hurt me a lot. I can erase my bad memory. Throw it away from me. That day was a bad day. I do not remember if it was a bad day I ever had or not. Some bad memory was gone by the time and I was happy for it. I do not even want to remember all bad things and bad day.

That day.... it's about 5 days ago. It was really struggle night... 25th January 2014. That night, I was telling what I was thinking about. I know I was wrong, because I was yelling and crying out. I do not even hear my voice clearly. It was blend with my tears. I was still telling my feelings till she's reached out her hand over me. That hand.... at that moment I was think that hand would holding me tight. That mouth would telling me "sorry" and "it's okay". I was happy for a second. But then it was stop upon my mouth. She was covered up my mouth. I was a bit shock with that awkward moment. With those red face and that creepy hand she cover my mouth and yelled at me to stop talking. It was really shocked me a lot. I feels like my head was bumped so hard.  I was bowed and crying a lot. Thanks God.... My long hair was covering my ugly face and also it covered by my towel. My hair's wet. I washed it before. But it's wet not only because of it... it's also because of my tears. Too many tears fall down. Creepy voice that I made was spinning around that room.

After that day...I was change a bit. Bit silence, and bit indifference with all the circumstance. Including with her. I was really sorry for doing this. But I hurt a lot. I never told you any thing about my feelings. I was hurting a lot. Too many people blame on me... too many people made me cry all over the night. But that was all okay before. Till that day I just can't stand it anymore. Only a few of my feeling burst... that was only a few not all of my feelings. I was depressed and you never know it. I was write a last letter for my entire family and friend when I was junior high school. I was thinking I better die than I live with this pain. My mom and my dad was fighting a lot. Too much yell, too much pain. I was so young. Why they were never saw anyone else. They were just saw their pain. I even ever think that they were better divorce than live together. I was afraid telling you I was hurt, I did not like the way you both yelling at. It's hurting me a lot. Whenever I was alone in my room, I was thinking how I going to end my life. I ever slash my hand with a pen that I broke. It's hurt. But I was afraid for killing my self. Suicide is not an easy things to do anyway. Or maybe it's just because I was afraid. I do not have any guts. Damn me!

I forget about that crazy thought when I was getting closer and closer to God. But I am not deny that Those crazy thought come and pass by any time. At the time I'm getting depressed...those thought comes by. I still needs some help here. Thanks I have my only best friend of my life. I have Realdi. He's my only one. Sometimes he can be my friend, boyfriend, even my mom or my dad. Even I know that he's only an imagination. But sometimes those vivid things can help me to go out from this hard situation. 

I wish i can erase my mind. Fill it with just a beautiful memory. Fill it with only smile and lough. Tears that comes out because pain are never allowed. But for a happiness... it was allowed here. 

But That just a dream..... I wish I can erase my mind...

_RedRose

idul fitri

idul fitri tahun ini, aku gak yakin akan seindah idul fitri tahun-yahun sebelumnya. Entah kenapa. mungkin ini hanya perasaan ku saja atau apa. aku yakin tahun ini ada yang berbeda. awal tahun ini saja semuanya sudah berbeda. keluarga kami lengkap, tapi tak bisa bersama-sama. ya aku tahu ada orang lain yang lebih tidak beruntung dari ku. tapi aku merasa tak yain bisa hadapi semua ini.
aku lelah dengan semua yang ada. entah sanggup atau tidak...
aku baru ingat, tahun lalu aku dan keluargaku masih bahagia. ya, tahun ini juga sih. tapi aku lebih suka tahun-ahun lalu.
semoga tahun ini gak seburuk yang aku bayangkan.
melihat tahun ini banyak tragedi. dimulai dari pertengkaran keluarga, hp yang hilang di copet, keuangan yang amat sangat terganggu, eskul yang membosankan, dilemaaaaaa!!!!