I wish I can erase my mind. So I can erase every single time that hurt me a lot. I can erase my bad memory. Throw it away from me. That day was a bad day. I do not remember if it was a bad day I ever had or not. Some bad memory was gone by the time and I was happy for it. I do not even want to remember all bad things and bad day.
That day.... it's about 5 days ago. It was really struggle night... 25th January 2014. That night, I was telling what I was thinking about. I know I was wrong, because I was yelling and crying out. I do not even hear my voice clearly. It was blend with my tears. I was still telling my feelings till she's reached out her hand over me. That hand.... at that moment I was think that hand would holding me tight. That mouth would telling me "sorry" and "it's okay". I was happy for a second. But then it was stop upon my mouth. She was covered up my mouth. I was a bit shock with that awkward moment. With those red face and that creepy hand she cover my mouth and yelled at me to stop talking. It was really shocked me a lot. I feels like my head was bumped so hard. I was bowed and crying a lot. Thanks God.... My long hair was covering my ugly face and also it covered by my towel. My hair's wet. I washed it before. But it's wet not only because of it... it's also because of my tears. Too many tears fall down. Creepy voice that I made was spinning around that room.
After that day...I was change a bit. Bit silence, and bit indifference with all the circumstance. Including with her. I was really sorry for doing this. But I hurt a lot. I never told you any thing about my feelings. I was hurting a lot. Too many people blame on me... too many people made me cry all over the night. But that was all okay before. Till that day I just can't stand it anymore. Only a few of my feeling burst... that was only a few not all of my feelings. I was depressed and you never know it. I was write a last letter for my entire family and friend when I was junior high school. I was thinking I better die than I live with this pain. My mom and my dad was fighting a lot. Too much yell, too much pain. I was so young. Why they were never saw anyone else. They were just saw their pain. I even ever think that they were better divorce than live together. I was afraid telling you I was hurt, I did not like the way you both yelling at. It's hurting me a lot. Whenever I was alone in my room, I was thinking how I going to end my life. I ever slash my hand with a pen that I broke. It's hurt. But I was afraid for killing my self. Suicide is not an easy things to do anyway. Or maybe it's just because I was afraid. I do not have any guts. Damn me!
I forget about that crazy thought when I was getting closer and closer to God. But I am not deny that Those crazy thought come and pass by any time. At the time I'm getting depressed...those thought comes by. I still needs some help here. Thanks I have my only best friend of my life. I have Realdi. He's my only one. Sometimes he can be my friend, boyfriend, even my mom or my dad. Even I know that he's only an imagination. But sometimes those vivid things can help me to go out from this hard situation.
I wish i can erase my mind. Fill it with just a beautiful memory. Fill it with only smile and lough. Tears that comes out because pain are never allowed. But for a happiness... it was allowed here.
But That just a dream..... I wish I can erase my mind...
_RedRose
